Talk To The Monsters, Issue 1

If only you could talk to the monsters. Now that would be something. So, why not ask our resident agony aunt-monster Ian Cacodemon for advice and tips on anything you need help with? Ian awaits your queries on Twitter here or via email here, and will post selected replies on RPS on a regular basis. He can't reply to everything, as his wife Mrs Sharon Cacodemon often forgets to print out all the tweets in the size 142 font Ian requires in order for words to be legible to his middle-aged monocular vision, but he'll do his best to be useful.

Here are a few examples of Ian's advice so far. He's a very nice cacodemon as cacodemons go, but get on the wrong side of him and he'll devour your immortal soul. Also, he's very busy on Thursdays because Sharon likes a hand with the housework then.

Please note his replies are translated - were they to use his real voice, his first reply would read "nnaaarghlefarrrrrgaaaaaaachompchompfaaaaaargle."

• Mrs Gertrude @John_Arr of Huddersfield asks "Where did you hide the red keycard please?"

Ian replies:

It's right where you left it dear: in the red lock. Are we getting a little bit forgetful in our old age? I know the feeling - the other day, I couldn't remember where I'd left my lower intestine and ham sandwiches for the life of me. Turned out they were rammed into the skull of a passing space marine, who was slumped outside my back door - that's where I always leave them! I find leaving post-it notes on the fridge helps to remember where I've put things. Unfortunately I have no hands to write it, and orally-fired ball lightning is just no good for elegant penmanship.



• Mrs Edna @screencuisine of Upton asks "If a guy gets bitten by a werewolf, zombie, and vampire at the same time, what does he come back as?"

Ian Replies:

Well Edna, he comes back as a sort of gruesome, bloody porridge that makes everyone who sees it feel physically ill. Its special supernatural power is not being able to move anywhere, make a noise or breathe. I think it's rather adorable myself, but you just can't please everyone, can you?

• Mrs Tracy @jamesclayton of Bodmin asks "You belch ball-lightning. I have a chaingun. Is there any way we could resolve this more amicably?"

Ian replies:

If you'd be so kind as to put your gun on the ground then slow-cook yourself in vegetable stock for 5 hours, all will be tickety-boo, Tracy. What's in it for you, you say? Well, I won't be belching any ball-lightning at you, will I?



• Mrs Jennifer @inupantsu of Woking asks "When wearing a navy blue suit, are black or brown shoes most appropriate?"

Ian replies:

Well Jennifer, I'd rather imagine that becomes entirely academic when you're knee-deep in the dead.No-one can see your shoes then, can they? And even if they could, they'd be red and maybe a bit green in places anyway, so you might as well just get the cheapest pair you could find. Same goes for the suit, to be honest - it really won't be suitable for weddings after you've finished blasting your way through the demon dimensions. If I was your mother-in-law and you turned up drenched in blood, ash and bits of Imp lung, I really would be terribly embarrassed.

• Mr Clive @ReiOnryou of Stow-on-the-Wold asks "Can you give me some advice on how to talk to women?"

Ian replies:

If only you could talk to the women. Now that would be something.

• Mrs Bertha @brianbloodaxe of Weston Supermare asks "Hi Ian, What weaponry would you recommend for a trip to the supermarket in the post-work rush?"

Ian replies:

I find electrified shopping trolley wheels plus a nailgun loaded with dried tagliatelle (cheap to restock, highly effective at blinding and instant tracheotomies at ranges of 12 feet and below) works an absolute treat, Bertha. You'll never need anything else again. I would recommend sending your supermarket a letter advising them of your intended actions at least six weeks in advance, however - it gives them time to put the eggs on a high shelf to avoid excess damage and an unpleasantly yolky floor.

• Mrs Tamara @hejsna of Turo asks "It seems your best tactic would be to swamp a single human hero with EVERYONE. Why insist on going it alone or in twos or threes?"

Ian replies:

Thanks for your thoughtful question Tamara - I know many of my correspondents are very concerned about my welfare during these unpleasant human rampages, but it's always nice to hear how much they care. The answer to this query is very simple: when Sir Roger Cyberdemon was originally marshalling the forces of hell into a fighting force back in 1987, he took a straw poll on what to use as a training manual - Sun-Tzu's the Art of War, or classic Bruce Lee movie Enter The Dragon. I am ashamed to admit that, to a one, we all plumped for the more cinematic choice. An additional unfortunate consequence of this was that Sir Roger was arrested by the surprisingly and fearsomely powerful human organisation the MPAA, who found him guilty of making 312 billion unauthorised copies of an Enter The Dragon VHS tape. Thus, hell's military operation was sadly delayed until 1992.

That's all for this week. Don't forget to send your questions to Ian, on any subject - love, life, guns, blood, dinner, sex, bears, hi-fi systems and tea. Contact Ian via Twitter here or via email here.

Please stop asking about the glasses though, he's very self-conscious about them.